Deconstructing My Life from 2023 and before

• I have been a part of Sri Sathya Sai Seva Organization and actively engaged with it for as long as I could remember. Me and my sibling started attending "Sri Sathya Sai Balvikas" since young age . This program basically strengthen a persons' spiritual persona with fundamental values like Sathya (Truth), Dharma (Righteousness), Santhi (Peace), Prema (Love), Ahimsa (Non-Violence). The ideal age of children attending this program is 5-15. After this some people go their own ways and some end up sticking with organisation for further activities. While SSSSO is not technically a 'Hindu Religion Only' Focused Organization, "God" and "omnipresence" has a significant importance here. Everything circles around Devotion & Spirituality. This topic will come up Later in "Rationalism and Religion".

• After completing the Group I, Group II, Group III curriculum, I proceeded to engage in Youth Activities of the organization. I got my "Diploma in Sathya Sai Education" after Group III, but that doesn't help my path going forward.

• During my curriculum, I studied Vedas, Suktas, Slokas, Bagavat Gita, Ithihasas, Religious Stories( Of Major Religions ), Bhajans. In my youth activity days, I spend a lot of time with Old-Age Home Helps, Orphanage Visits, Mental Institutes, Healthcare Centres, Rural Villages Support Programs, Donation Activities, Food Distributions Programmes, Co-ordinating Events, Religious Programs and more (Helping people, in general).

• I spend years dedicated to Social Services activities. A lot of people would know me as the "Arjun from Sai Samithi". A large chunk of my connections / friends / best friends / mentors / advicers has been from SSSSO. 

• As time went by, most peers in the organization moved towards their life, some away from organization, some within organization away from full-time activities.  I, for some reason kept close to social services instead of focusing on completing degree, getting hired, moving on. I usually avoided college events, group studies, trips etc by quoting some service duties. 

• I served in voluntary activities and took on voluntary InCharge duties such as Samithi Youth In Charge and District IT InCharge till around 2020. I'd be ready to serve anytime regardless of whether I have exam on the next day / backlogs from past semesters / assignments (while some mentors did advice to do the opposite.). Something inside me was like "Things would be fine in life since I always help people". Things slowly started breaking down when my lack of focus on academia started dragging me down and pretty much no company wanted to hire a student with low academic performance. I got struck on the face with a giant academic backlash. ( Just like how some people warned. ) This is the #1 regretful incident if I were to rank them all.

• I left the organization soon after, read "Stress and Well being" for details.

• Ever since then, I have kept my engagement with any social/religious services to the 'bare minimum'. Since my family is part of these activities/organization, its not a Full Closure for me. Plus, Since majority of my friends were from SSSSO/DHK/Vidya, it felt weird to close down completely. Networking with more people outside helped later on. I try to avoid discussion on the topic of why I don't engage in the activities to avoid uncomfortable mismatch in beliefs and faith. 

• I am not saying religion is wrong/bad or anything else. Let the debaters keep debating about Science vs Religion vs Philosophy. And I do not push others to follow my changed ideologies. I just stay away from theism. I feel extremely calm and satisfied with the progress of modern civilization without a need of god.  Follow up this topic on the section below "Rationalism and Religion".  Note : No part I dont plan to dunk on 

• In 2018, I just completed HSE Computer Science and is deciding on what to pursue. BTech CSE in a reputed college in kerala or BTech in National Defense Academy were 2 of my top items. (AI, ML, GenAI was not a hype at that time) I already got my seat at Vidya Academy for BTech in Computer Science but I was actively working towards getting admission in National Defense Academy. I had my exam coming up in Aug-Sept 2018. Since I already paid admission fee and stuff for BTech, If I pass the Exam then I would close my admission at Vidya and join NDA. If I failed NDA Tests, I would continue with Vidya. NDA was Free, Vidya was Expensive. This topic will come up later in "Money : Personal Finance".

• On 16 August 2018, Kerala was struck with one of the most tragic flood. People struggled and I just like every other youth I wanted to help.Getting into NDA was postponed, and since I already fees for CSE, I would just continue at Vidya and skip my plan to consider joining NDA. I did just that. I was active in rescue teams. Made more friends and connections during this time.

• I guess the officers who were with us during the effort liked how active we were because few months after Kerala Flood, we were offered several training sessions by Fire and Rescue Station in Disaster Management and Rescue Operations which would later merge and evolve with other programs to become the first batch of Kerala Civil Defense. We got First Air Training, Uniforms, ID cards, privileges, chances to train at Fire and Rescue Academy, Lessons on operating Fire Engine Hose, Speed Boats etc. I served during Covid Pandemic a lot representing SSSSO, KCD, DHK.

• Since I couldn't get into NDA and serve the army, in my mind this was something worth spending time while being close to home. I completed my trainings and was in the Passing Out Ceremony for the State’s First Kerala Civil Defence batch on 16 February 2021. One more way to serve people, cool! It was, till my academia continued to get bad. I couldn't get a job and being in civil defense without any self-sufficient income source isn't advisable. And Civil Defense Activities doesn't count towards tech career portfolio. Civil defense activities didn't take much of my time. I was just involved in too many voluntary organizations. In late 2022, I told my peers and reporting officer that I'll be leaving KCD, it was fine. Its a voluntary thing. 

• Almost around the time of kerala flood, since I was involved with too many services, I was also involved with Blood Donation related groups. During the pandemic, people were very reluctant to donate blood or visit hospital and there was visible shortage of blood donations. I was with FCK (a blood donation trust) then with DHK helping them with blood donor arrangements. I was with DHK since its inception mostly being the IT guy. People from Civil Defense, SSSSO & Regional circles where also intersecting in this group. I mostly handling "Techie" stuff like doing Social Media Managements, Generating Camp Reports, Creating Donor Posters, Maintaining WhatsApp Groups, Business Whatsapp Number, Handling Forms and Event registration Online Forms etc. For me its just an additional "voluntary" responsibility to help people when they need help. This time when people needed emergency blood donations, replacement donors, blood donation camps. I exited from DHK in 2022 but things are going well without me. 

• We helped to arrange Blood donations benefiting IMA, Jubilee Mission Hospital, Amala Hospital, Medical College etc during my time there. They continue to do so even now.

• I donate blood every ~4-5 months on my own, ~3 months when there is an emergency call. Sometimes DHK calls, or I go and donate myself. At the time of writing this, I have done ~12 Blood Donations. 

• I like donating blood. For an able bodied individual like me, this is a relatively harmless service that we should always consider. #DonateBlood #SaveLives. 

• This is something that takes place over 4 years. So its not even worth trying to explain. I was active at Hackathon, Free and Open Source Software Clubs, AI/ML Clubs, Google Developer Student Clubs, Vidya IT Division Works. I just did not enjoy Classes or College in General. I did not attend Tours, Industrial Visits, I even skipped Graduation Ceremony Stuffs. 

• 2018-2022 was a complete experience roller coaster with upskillings and a waste of time combined. 

• Basically, I did not focus on academia. Increasingly during and after Pandemic. I got many course backs, backlogs by skipping classes. I even failed in many subjects I loved.  This is the summary :-

  • Total Subjects in BTech CSE in KTU Syllabus 2015 Scheme : 65

  • Number of Subjects Passed : 31

  • Number of Subjects with Backlog : 18

  • Number of Subjects with FE (Course Back) : 09

  • Number of Exams Dunked (I just didn't attend) : 01

  • Number of Subjects WithHeld by KTU during Flood Semester : 06

• People keep asking me why I opted to not go back to vidya, not try to get credit transfer and complete degree somewhere else, why not get a good job. 

  • My negative feel about college developed way before my decision to leave college, like from Semester 4-5 itself. But since there was significant financial investment on college, it was not on my mind to quit college. (Should Have, but Didn't)

  • After leaving college, KTU is a pain. Predicting the whether seems to be more accurate that trying to predict when KTU exam dates get announced and in what order. 

  • Credit Transfer is kind of Costly. Not a luxury I can afford at the moment. 

  • Apart from the above listed items, one main reason is thta I don't like going back to vidya. Not even for 1 day. It could have something to do with the things I went through During The TimeLine instead of directly something about the college. So many students are successful after passing out of vidya. 

  •  Since I don't even like going to college for 1 day, so how come I would endure it for  multiple semesters to complete the degree. 

  • I am applying for jobs. Have been trying for the last ~8 months. Would you be surprised if I say majority of the company's don't even respond or shortlist my applications? Some respond with rejection mail (This is somehow better than no response because I atleast know they checked my application). I only get calls from recruiters who want to hire me in Sales, Marketing & Telecalling (via job portal listings). I've been trying too much time for Data Analytics and AI/ML to go back now. Will see how it goes.

• AR-DROID BUSINESS SOLUTIONS was a hobbie digital marketing freelance service started by me in Thrissur, Kerala back in 2018. My aim was to provide Technical & IT support to companies in order to implement strategies to bring your brand online and help them change inefficient practices. I was more committed to delivering affordable trustworthy and non-risky digital marketing services for regional businesses in order to support their initial growth  and to help them create a better online presence without any significant cost. 

• My Services Included

  • Brand Management

  • Logo & Graphics Design

  • Domain Registration & Management Services

  • Professional & Basic Website Development Services

  • Google Maps & Google My Business management

  • Helping to maintain good social media practices

  • Business Development Service

  • Training on Social Media & Content Creation

  • Digital Marketing & Social Media Management

  • Helping in simplifying their social media strategies

  • AdSense & Social Media Ad Campaign support

• But Most importantly, I never did it as a per cost service and always saw it as a self development hobby. (some exceptions were there because some people paid me well) This was a One Man Job and It was so stressful to carry forward alongside everything else. Some of the income I made from this did help me with some personal expenses and social services. 

• I winded up this freelance service shortly after leaving Vidya College and IT Division. 

• I am excluding a LOT of details in these since its not all relevant. Just sharing a basic summary.

• During my time at Vidya engineering college, I was connected to their IT Division.  I initially began with basic tasks such as handling poster design, certificate printing, and social media management on a freelance basis for the division while still being in college. As my financial needs grew, the then manager and I discussed a more formal arrangement for digital marketing services to the IT Division. 

• Starting in 2021, I began visiting the IT Division regularly to learn more and take on additional social media responsibilities. However, due to personal challenges, I requested a temporary pause in service between 2021 and 2022 (This is when Academia was getting messed up). I then submitted a new marketing proposal for a remote work arrangement, which was again accepted, leading to a better contract for digital marketing services in 2022. I had the opportunity to meet and work under some of the most senior people who run Vidya International Charitable Trust. For a few period, I was pretty much happy with what I have in plan for future by just being at IT Division helping it grow and transision into "Vidya Training and Development Centre".

• In 2022, a new opportunity arose for me to serve as a Junior Trainer for a project with Manappuram Finance Limited, which led to additional work and income. Then there were few quick restructuring, change in leadership, change in methodology then an added anxiety about dropping college. My work at Vidya evolved from just freelance design and social media management to a more structured digital marketing role and eventually into multiple responsibilities. It could have gone fine and I was also being paid well but my urge to distance myself from 'Vidya Family' after dropping out of college eventually made me decide to also quit the job. 

• I love Photography, I do 'Mobile Photography' more given I have a smartphone instead of a DSLR and Mobile Camera's have advanced a lot. I am a Data Hoarder. I take so much photos, videos to save moments I enjoy, to save moments, others may enjoy. Most of them I hoard, Some of them I upload to Social Media / Status, Some of them to Google Maps. 

• At the time of writing this, I have not uploaded to Google Maps in~ 1 year. Last upload was 11 months ago. But I am a Level 7 Google Local Guide with 145 Followers, 13408 Points, 4469 Contributions, 203 Reviews, 1,145 Photo Uploads, 2,265 Answers, 525 Fact Checks, 8,165,790 All-Time Photo Views. ~99,00,000 Contribution Views (Listing them all just for self-pleasure sake.)

• I have not been an active Local Guide since I am trying to get hired somewhere. I was not enjoying the process like I have been in the past because I was doubtful about how I would proceed in my life.

• This one is a very ridiculous section. Since I have been a person who overly correlated "Nishkama Karma" with "I Dont Need Any Payment". My personal finance fundamentals and financial decisions before 2022 were a joke. I don't even want to list how many times I would say "No, That's fine, No payment needed" when I actually had money being spend from pocket. 

• Since I didnt get NDA and I pursued Vidya Academy, things were costly. I spend approximately ~3 lakh on fees and all at Vidya (which by the way is from an Education Loan). So, Now,  I don't have a degree and I am still paying up remaining loan since bank doesn't care whether or not you completed your degree. 

• Doing some courses about Personal Finance during the past 1 year has helped me to understand what a dump thing education loan is when not taken care of. 

• Since I stopped my Freelance Services, Stopped my paid job at Vidya TDC and has been jobless (trying for a new job), My income is pretty much zero. 

• So the "Joke" part I mentioned previously is an ongoing saga until I get a average/good paying job. I can however confidently say I am better at understanding finance than my Pre-2022 self.

• Note to anyone who reads this. Pay Yourself First. Don't try to be charitable until you become financially sustainable.  Nobody is keeping track of how many people you helped and how much you took out of pocket. It's upto you to balance the ledger. 

• It's Complicated

• For an year, I felt like I was disappointing everyone who is connected to me just by overly trying to not dissapoint everyone who is connected to me. In other words, being a nuisance by trying to be the helpful one.

• Somewhere in mid-late 2022, I got totally overloaded with the number of things in a day schedule, I got so fraustrated and something broke inside. 

• I wrote a letter of resignation/termination message to SSSSO incharges, Donors Hub Kerala team, Vidya TDC (formerly Vidya Academy of Science and Technology IT Division) manager, Thrissur Fire Station station officer (civil defense), Few Freelance Clients stating that I will be exiting from respective engagements. Everyone was very supportive towards me to get through stuff in following months. I exited from any and all groups related to Civil Defense, SSSSO, DHK, Vidya Academy. I got hired at a better proposition at Vidya TDC again for some more months but left that also because It felt weird to work in a wing of "Vidya International Charitable Trust" as a "Vidya Academy of Science and Technology" Drop Out (I was well paid there but too much depression persisted). 

• NGL, I did need some support efforts (1 with professional doctor visit then family discussions) to help with stress, anxeity, decision making  to deal with. I releaved a lot of stress with Intensive Cycling🚴, Gym Workouts, Rest. 

• Started exploring things, reading blogs, articles, podcasts. There are a lot of quality knowledge out there and a lot of people who share knowledge to the world. It was exciting to learn stuff. Some of my favourites include Science Youtubers, Conspiracy Debunkers, Evolutionary History, Cosmology, AI, Tech. 

• I'll say I'm stilll on the steps because as of now, I am still just sitting at home ending up writing this whole page instead of working in a company earning sweet $$ to get stability in life. 

• It is an uncomfortable situation to handle when someone calls me or asks me to come to an event at SSSSO, DHK, Vidya. Instead my usual response is to Keep my Phone in Silent. Out of Sight, Out of Mind. I will be completely successful in this only (atleast I hope it does) If I move out to some outside state/country but for now, that is a far away goal to achieve. 

Religion and pursuit of God doesn't really sit correct with me. For a person who attended went to atleast 200+ "Trippuka"  at Sree Vadakkumnathan Temple and religious events as someone representing SSSSO, its a big thing to leave behind. The more I embraced Science, Technology, Evolution etc, the more I started to distance myself from religion. I really don't understand how some of the people I believe to be well educated and understanding of fundamental science, astronomy, physics, mathematics would ignore the science they learned if a person says there is a old religious belief from an old book that supports the opposite. Reading "Omens and Superstitions of Southern India", by Edgar Thurston helped a lot in understanding how narrow minded people can be when believeing things unrationally. 

And I also don't know why in south india, if you support being an atheist, people would equate it to being a bad member of society or something. Yes, I do think the entire existence of reality can work without a supernatural being. I don't think we need a creator regardless of how you would like to churn out the "Watchmaker" analogy. Courses and Learning Contents from The University of Edinburgh about Religion, Science, History, Philosophy, Evolution helped me a lot. Also a lot of articles about science philosophy. During my exploration, I explored both Scientific Literatures that takes evaluate theology critically. I found several content creators on both side of the spectrum of faith (Find out some of them listed below). The integrity of Modern Scientific Advancements and the Scientific Method further strengeth my mindset.

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.”

― Stephen Roberts

I have in the past made tables to evaluate and understand how each religions differ/agree with each other. I won't be sharing it since I it's a one way ticket to angering everyone. But once you compare how each religions differ, the quote from stephen roberts makes sense. I know that because Hinduism being one of those religions that can be tracked back to way longer than most of not all religions, some people are comfortable saying "Well, Hinduism is not like younger religions like Christianity or Islam. Hinduism is about Sanadhana Dharma (translates to Eternal Religion)". And what I have to say to them is, you would find the massive scale of civilization before any religious textbooks exists to be overwhelmingly eye opening. No transcripts cover everything about the universe. Science is open to the concept of "We just don't know it (yet)" while the explanation from religion is always "GOD created everything, he has his ways to deal with this too."

I might someday look into (or Not) sharing content supporting science / deconstructing personal spirituality similar to some of my favourite Youtubers. Some are listed at the bottom of this section. 

Incase you ask "why not now?", These topics are very polarizing in society regardless of where you live and what culture you belong to. So for the timebeing, just ignoring them and pursuing a stable career is my primary focus. Philosophical Youtubeing isn't on the table for me at the moment. Another thing I'm interested to pursue is Tech like MKBHD, Linus Sebastian, etc.

Helpful Contents if you are in the same place as me :

• • Pranav Radhakrishnan from Science is Dope

  • Emma Thorne about religion

  • Rhett & Link's Spiritual Deconstruction Series in Ear Biscuits Podcast, link. (Very deep and helpful)

  • The University of Edinburgh Courses about Religion.

  • Johnny Harris's stories about leaving Mormon Church

  • Entire Wikipedia Libraries about Religion and Creationism. This is a lot of content, take your time. There is no hurry. (I actively read many of them even now. )

    • Wikipedia Series about Creationism : en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Creationism

    • Wikipedia Series about Human History : en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_history

    • Wikipedia Series about Spirituality : en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spirituality

    • Wikipedia Series about Evolutionary Biology : en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolutionary_biology

There were some of the more emotionally draining yet transformative growth I had. But I would be ok with doing it again if I had to since it helped in acquiring knowledge. 

• I love Science, Technology. I dont know what else to say here. 

• Exploring how much humanity has innovated, It's sometimes incomprehensible to a human mind on how such complexity can come from randomness. This could be why people in general tend to settle to the idea of "God Must Have Created It" instead of marveling at the staggering scale of time and the potential for gradual but massive order to emerge from such immense randomness. Human comprehension is pretty limited and "The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you." ( Thanks Dr Neil.Degrasse.Tyson ). 

• For me, this incomprehensibility and exploration about how we came to be only fuels a deeper passion for science and technology.

• Even since I dropped out of college, getting back to academia was not an option for me. While I do wish to get educated in Computer Science, Physics, Modern Technology (Specifically Space Technology ), It's almost like the golden time of Childhood which I consider to be a "Free Trial for Life" has passed. So, just focusing on getting a job, its not easy or affordable to sit and study in class again, then get admission, then spend time at college and graduate. Online distant degree and Self Learning is a valid alternative that I pursue. I am also considering Higher Degree (part time online) via things like Coursera once I have some job.

• Compounding Interests and Inadequate Income are both a pain in the back. So let me first try to solve that challenge. 

• In Short, During 2022-2023 period, I was very disconnected and mad at everything, everyone (for no specific reason) including myself for a few months. I felt like I should just wipe everything and try to start from scratch😱. (Not just a feeling, this is kind of what I am doing) I stayed away from everyone. I was offline. For several months.

• I try to stay away from any Religion/Social Services Engagement, Volunteering Activities, Time Consuming Programs, etc. Even though I have my reasons to stay away from most stuff, if someone reaches out saying, "Dude, need some help, are you free?", I am still kind of likely to spend time a bit outside my comfort zone to help them. This is a Side effect of being passionate about helping people when they need my help. Have been working to fix up my life since late 2023. 

A Fluctuating & Gradual Process.

I share about them here rather than sharing it as a post on LinkedIn, Facebook, Medium, Blog Post etc to avoid too many questions (For the moment).

Closure Statement : If you did complete this reading and feels that you somehow relate to this same situation as me. Talk with people outside of your usual circle and preferably who are neutral or in contrast to where you stand. It always helps.  And talk to a professional. 

• Get a job in a domain interets of mine, currently it is Data Analytics, Machine Learning and Artificial Intelligence on the Cloud.

• Get some basic qualifications to allow me to migrate to someplace which is less religion focused or become financialy stable enough to live in india and just not having to care about religion. 

• Clear up from financial burdens, both my education and my family home is built on loans. While its easy to say i'm a middle class citizen, cash flow challenges in between financial burdens are not to be laughed at.

• Explore some passions of mine including Content Creation, Photography, Travel.